Sunday, May 10, 2009

Not so Happy Mother's Day

hearts image images photo picture

This is a strange day for me, and not to take anything away from all the great Mothers out there, to all of you, I hope it is happy!!

For me, not so much. I am feeling very sad and melancholy today, and I am missing my Mother terribly. I have had a few Mothers days without her, but for some reason, this one is especially hard, and I can't explain it, nor can I figure it out.

As I'm writing this, I have tears streaming down my face, and I figured I'd put on my mp3 player to try to drown out my thoughts and just write, but the very first song that came on was Mariah Carey, One Sweet Day. Now, if you don't know the song, go to youtube and listen to it, you will see why I sit here crying.
crying photo picture image

How ironic that "That" song came on? What are the odds out of all the songs that I have on there? It is almost like I should take some comfort in it, but I am not. It only makes me sadder. And I know I should think that my Mom had a hand in that.

My Mom and I always had a very close relationship, once I got out of my teen years, and we saw each other almost daily. She was like my best friend. Then my Dad died....

That changed a lot of things. I worshiped my Dad, and was totally devastated when he passed away suddenly. I fell into a deep depression, and was very hard to reach, even for my Mom, but one of the biggest reasons that I was unreachable was the way she handled my Dad's death. See, she wasn't as devastated as I was, and certain things happened that I didn't agree with, and my Mom and I drifted apart. I was very angry with her. She also told me to "get over it" meaning my Dad's death, and she didn't think I should still be affected by it months later.

Well, I can tell you that it has been years, and I am still not "over" it, and I don't suppose I ever will be. But the thing that hurt most, was my Mother didn't comfort me, or even feel the same way, she just seemed happy, and that hurt me, and made it difficult for me to be around her much.

As the first year of my Dad's death was coming to a close, we had overcome our differences (well, not really, I just put my feelings aside, as usual) and were back to spending time together, and then she died suddenly of a massive heart attack.

We never really made up, we never really regained that closeness that we had, and I never told her that I forgave her.

There is so much left unsaid between me and both of my parents, and it eats at me every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and miss them both.

So, as I sit here today with regrets....please, if you still have your parents with you, hug them, tell them how much you love them, and cherish every single second you have with them. I didn't and still think about it. My heart just hurts.

On this Mother's day, Two bright lights in my life, my own daughter and my grandson took me out to breakfast for Mother's Day, so I had to put on the happy face, and act all happy, even though inside, I was so very sad. But I couldn't bring them down. They both still have their Mother. So this holiday to them is a happy one.

I hope it gets easier as the years and holidays go by, but somehow, I think that if it hasn't yet, it won't.

Till Next Time,

24 comments:

Over The Top Aprons May 10, 2009 at 4:50 PM  

I am so sorry for your sadness. But I know there are no words to be said except for you to know that others understand. I was close to my mother also and she would actually be 111 this month, but I still think of her and miss her. It is wonderful that you do have your daughter and grandson.

Ruth May 10, 2009 at 5:28 PM  

(((((HUGS)))))!!!!!

Holidays like this really stink when you're having something like that going on, don't they? It's a sad mother's day for me too, not because someone died but because my ex is trying to get custody of our teenage daughter. I was actually in court on Friday, the judge was an idiot and gave him custody but she's refusing to go and the police tell me they won't force her (she's 17 and old enough to make the decision for herself, they say). Thank goodness!

I have pictures and stuff from a recent trip to post about on my blog, but honestly I'm not feeling up to it because of the crap my ex is putting us through. It's literally making me sick, I've been having diarrhea and not sleeping well all weekend.

You know what else makes the situation suck? My birthday is on Saturday!

Babs-beetle May 10, 2009 at 6:18 PM  

I'm so sorry you are having a bad time of Mothers day. I know some of what you are going through, though everyone has their own unique hurts. I used to resent mothers day, and fathers day but now I'm able to not let it bother me.

It will get better for you, but maybe you must first forgive yourself, for what you see as your part in the difficult times you went through with your mother. It was not your fault. It was grief, and grief does strange things to us all.

If you believe in a life after death (and I do) your mother knows exactly how you feel, and your father also. Don't be so hard on yourself and try to let those negative memories go. Concentrate on all the good times and let the memories be happy ones.

Dorothy L May 10, 2009 at 6:21 PM  

All I can do or say Kat is HUGGZZZZ......

Life is like that....just keep following the sun girl!

~D~

KAT May 10, 2009 at 6:52 PM  

Over the Top Aprons,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!! And I agree, I would be be a pitiful site without my grandson or daughter! :)

KAT May 10, 2009 at 6:53 PM  

Ruth,
I feel for you and know the feeling about blogging at times like these...
I sympathize with you and am sending good wishes your way!! Stay strong!

And happy birthday, a wee bit early!
:)

J. Leigh Designz May 10, 2009 at 6:54 PM  

So sorry this day brings you such sadness.My parents are both still here and while we have our differences my father was an alcoholic growing up and I hated him for it. When I was pregnant with my first I told him I didn't want a drunk to be my childs grandfather and he would never get to be there to see him. He sobered up a month later. As happy as I was to have my father FINALLY step up to the plate I also started to resent him for doing it for his grandchild and not for his own child. It took a few years of growing up some more for me to accept the by him sobering up he did it not just for my child but for me as well. A couple years ago I wrote him a letter that expressed so much anger, hurt, and happiness I had to tell him but couldn't. It did so much for our relationship. I couldn't imagine my life without him now.

KAT May 10, 2009 at 6:57 PM  

Babs,
As I read your comment, I thought of what a dear friend you have become, thank you so much.

Your words touched me and I didn't think about the forgiveness and grief thing before? Just that it was my hard-headedness that kept us distant.

I also have the same belief, and I really think she had a hand in that song.....and I should be less hard on myself, but I have to learn how.
:(

KAT May 10, 2009 at 6:59 PM  

Dorothy,

Thank you, thank you.

Those hugs were needed desperately!
I was trying to be upbeat in our emails, and I think I did good?? But, eventually, I knew it had to be written down....going all day like that was taking it's toll.

I will look for the sun and the sunflowers!!! (special meaning for me)
Thank you again!

KAT May 10, 2009 at 7:01 PM  

J Leigh,

I am happy you have resolved your differences while you have time. And I understand your resentment fully. I too, would be angry.

But we never know how much time we will have, and I learned that the hard way!

Thank you for your encouraging words.

PinkLady May 10, 2009 at 8:22 PM  

KAT I had a melancholic mothers' day myself (we are ahead of you by 12 hours i think)and didn't leave the house despite my kids' eagerness to celebrate it.

We all have regrets in our lives. Sometimes we just have to live with them for the rest of our lives because we never really got the chance to rectify the situation.

But then these are the same things that made us what we are now- STRONGER and BETTER. Your mom chose her path at that time- not to wallow in her grief- and I'm sure she hoped that you would see and appreciate that. She had to be strong for both of you. Or maybe she was also in denial.

Wherever she is now, she knows how much you continue to love and miss her. Perhaps the sign (your music) you got today meant that she was around checking out how her dearest daughter is doing. You felt her presence. Don't worry, she knows you have forgiven her.

You still have a chance of sharing that love you have for her. You have your daughter and grandson to give it to. Whatever mistakes you think were committed in that past relationship, you know better now. That's why you are a much better mom yourself.

Things always get easier and better. Wounds always heal. Remember, this is just one day of melancholic attack. Most days, you are bubbly and spread sunshine to everyone's lives. You are an angel to many of us.

{{{Hugzzzzzzz}}} for my lovely dear friend!!!

Much Love and Blessings to you,

Bing (",)

LilysGramma May 10, 2009 at 8:33 PM  

Kat, Before you can make peace with your mom (in your heart) you must make peace with yourself. It might help if you sat down in a quiet room alone and close your eyes, imagine your mother sitting with you and talk to her. Tell all that is in your heart. She will hear you and know how you feel. I'm sure she had regrets too. Possibly, she grieved for your father in her own quiet way and expected you to do the same. She didn't understand that it's different for a child to lose a father than for a wife to lose a husband. Perhaps she never had that kind of closeness with her father so could not understand your pain. If you forgive her in your heart, the rest will follow and you will finally have peace within your soul. Take care my dear and Blessings to you.

andrew&carmelsuarezministry May 10, 2009 at 9:21 PM  

Hello Kat,
What happen with you and your family is indeed sad. But as long as we still has breath in us we still has hope "there is always hope"... hope for things to be right again. at least makes things right with the people around you today. And as for your mom and dad: ask God for emotional healing and peace. Past is past and there's nothing we could do about it. I truly believe that your mom understand how you feel for your dad. God bless you!

Dottie,  May 10, 2009 at 9:25 PM  

Kat, I sent you a hug on Facebook because I knew you would be sad today. I hope I can be strong like you when my parents leave me. I don't even want to think of that day. Love you Lots Dottie

Kristin at My Art and the Mom in Me May 10, 2009 at 9:56 PM  

Kat...

Yes, I know that song.. a tearjerker indeed on its own, but given your state of mind at that exact moment, I mean.. how could you not cry harder? Aww.. Kat, I am sending you hugs from across the miles.. Hope you can feel them, my friend.

Take Care,
Kristin

Wanda May 10, 2009 at 10:29 PM  

Hi Kat,
I'm sorry you have had a hard Mother's Day. I'm just happy you had the time with your daughter and grandson. They will always be the bright light in your life.
I lost my Dad very quickly in 1983. A lot happened between my Mom and me after that. I do understand what you are going through. It hasn't been easy but thank God, we are once again close.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
(((HUGS)))

Sandee May 10, 2009 at 10:36 PM  

I'm so sorry Kat. I so know how you feel. I miss my mother very much today too. It's good to cry now and then. Big hug honey. :)

MsRay May 11, 2009 at 12:28 AM  

Time will heal the wounds. Thank you for sharing with us your story.

Christina May 11, 2009 at 3:15 AM  

I can't imagine what's that like....I mean, my mother and I don't really have a great relationship anymore (and I don't know how to make it any better). We just have too many differences and she's completely stubborn. I am so sorry for your loss and that you never got to have peace with your mother.

Liza May 11, 2009 at 4:02 AM  

Kat, I'm sorry to hear about your sadness. I hope crying made you feel better. Cheer up now, ;)

KAT May 11, 2009 at 6:53 AM  

Thank you to everyone who left me a comment here! They all helped.

To my friends, you are invaluable to me, truly!

To my new friends, thank you for supporting me through this rough time.

As Liza pointed out..a good cry did help, and some sleep last night, and I think I am somewhat back to my goofy self today!! :)

Thank you all again!!
Love you all,
Kat

Anna May 11, 2009 at 1:46 PM  

I know how you feel...I lost my mom almost 6 years ago and I miss her every day. I love/hate mother's day. I have two daughters who I am very thankful for and we all have a great relationship, but I miss my mom...

LizzyT May 11, 2009 at 2:03 PM  

My thoughts are with you. My mum died 24 years ago, she would have been 80 this year. I still miss her very much and would love to celebrate Mother's Day with her again. Since she died I have had another daughter and 2 grandchildren. I would have loved for her to meet them all. Just to let you know that the pain does get easier over the years.

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