Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Grief, Loss and the Police...

grief image at gravesite Today I attended the funeral service for the mother of a very dear friend of mine, which in turn brought up so many hard memories for me.

My friend is a rock, she was wonderful, I don't know if it was an act, or she was surpressing her feelings, but I wish I was in that place....

I'm still not, and this seemed harder on me than it was for her?

Like I said, it brought up all those hidden feelings that I mostly keep burried deep inside, and don't let out for fear that the sobs will come again, and I won't be able to stop.

The last funeral service that I attended was for my Dad, and this brought all those memories back again. It was hard for me to be there, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else, than there showing my support for my friend....

No matter how hard it was for me.

Now, on the way home, I had to pass the entrance to the National Cemetary where my Dad is burried, and I felt like I had to go, even though I haven't been in a while.

If you know these National Cemetaries, you know that there are vast amounts of markers across the land, all flat with no definition....

As I pulled up to where I park on the circular road, I was puzzled as to where my Dad's grave was? It wasn't because I don't know....just that there are so many piled into this one area of land, and this land is completely covered in snow!!

I can't see anything but white!

I realize without even getting out of my truck, that I will never find my Dad's marker in all this snow!! I know the general area of where he is.....

But, when I have gone before, I still have to look around a bit before I find his marker.

I feel so lost............

I feel so alone............

I want to get out and go down the hill and over to the trees and walk upwards like normal, but there is snow and ice everywhere and I know that even if I did get down the hill without falling, I would have to scrape the snow away in many different areas before I find the one I am looking for.....

I just sit and cry.........

I fully expect a warmth to enfold me, to let me know it is alright....

But it never comes........

I just feel cold.......

And sad........

I don't know how long I sat there, but I realize that I will not be able to visit his grave today. I am thinking things to him in my mind, and hoping he hears me?

I blow a kiss in the general direction of his grave.....curse the snow, and drive away.

I am crying on the ride home.....this has been an emotional day for me....

And then I get pulled over for speeding.....

Didn't even realize that I was?

But I was.

I wasn't paying attention to my speed, and only when I saw the patrol car, did I look down and say "awwwww Sh*t" And then the blue lights came on.

I didn't hesitate....just pulled over, I knew it was me that he wanted....

Why not?

Nothing else is going right.....

I reached for my purse to get my license, and had it ready for him as he cautiously approached my window. Then I reached for the glovebox to get the registration. I had read that you should wait for them, so they don't think you are reaching for a weapon, or hiding something. (neither of which I would do)

He tells me that he has me doing 56 mph in a 40....

I have nothing to say but "okay"

I know that I am wrong....

Great news....this ticket will be through the roof!!!

Again, why not?

He takes my license and registration and says he will be right back.......

I just sit there thinking what a dope I am....

How did I let my emotions get the best of me?

Why wasn't I paying better attention?

At least I always wear my seatbelt, so I won't get written up for that!

He comes back, and says that he is giving me a written warning, and "try to slow down Ma'am"


I just nod, because now the tears are rolling down my cheeks again, and I wonder how I got out of that?

I pull away, and only when I get home do I look at the warning, and see that he has put that I was doing 49 in a 40, so that justifies the warning instead of giving me the ticket that I deserved.

Sometimes you just have to wonder what is watching over you?

Was it because I was co-operative?

Was it because I was quiet?

Was it because I had been crying?

Was it because I was agreeable?

Or was it something else???

Till Next Time,

Take care,



Sandee February 23, 2010 at 6:06 PM  

Your dad just wanted you to know that he knew you tried to visit. I think that's why he sent the good cop. Just saying.

I can so relate to how you feel. I've felt that way many times before. Big hugs. :)

Mike Golch February 23, 2010 at 7:18 PM  

I echo Sandee's comment.Hugs my friend.sorry for your friends loss.

Bambi February 24, 2010 at 8:14 AM  


So sad to hear you had such an emotional day. I think it turned out relatively well in the end, and that is God's way of letting you know that you are not alone even in the worst of times...especially in the worst of times.

As far as your Dad goes- I believe he knew you were there. Whether you are 20 feet from his grave or 20 states from his grave, love knows no boundries in this life or the next.

Love Ya girl,

Anna February 24, 2010 at 11:20 PM  

I have to echo Sandee and Mike as that was my first thought as well. (((HUGS)))

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Bing (PinkLady) February 26, 2010 at 11:12 AM  

my dearest Kat, sometimes you just have to believe... someone's watching over you... it's your heart's intention that matters.... we both know it was your dad's way of showing his appreciation because love never dies. go with your gut feel.

love always,

Bing ;)

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